Picture Day/Transcript
(At the Murphy house) Brigette: Look at you, Mr. Handsome! Did you do something extra special with your hair for the school picture day? Milo: Just my same ol' signature flip. Brigette: Maybe this year they'll actually be able to get a good picture of you. Milo: Oh, mom. Brigette: What? (badly-taken pictures of Milo are seen) A mom can dream Milo: At least they got my good ear. Brigette: Fingers crossed this is the year... Doofenshmirtz: (having used the shower and walks by the kitchen while brushing his teeth) Uh, yeah, the shower's free. Milo: Were you waiting for the shower, Mom? Brigette: I think I'll use the one in the R.V. (Cut to the Strip Mall. Dakota and Cavendish are preparing for their trip to Hawaii) Dakota: And I'm all packed. Hawaii, here we come! Cavendish: But I don't want to go on vacation. I want to stay home and cry. We've been fired! We're wastrels. Do-nothings. We have no purpose! Dakota: Aw, you wanna bring Dennis? (Dakota holds and sqiushes Dennis the teddy bear, which annoys Cavendish) Cavendish: Yes. (hugs Dennis) (A gentleman appears on screen of the monitor in their room) Bob Block: Greetings new employees. I'm Mr. Block, the great-great-great-grandfather of your ex-employer, Mr. Block. Dakota: But... you're so young. Bob Block: I know. Isn't time travel a hoot? In any case, I wanted you to know that when you return from your Hawaiian vacation, you'll be working for me. Cavendish: What? Bob Block: True story. When I heard you were available, I snatched you up for my top secret government agency. You guys have a good vacation, and welcome to P.I.G.. (calls off) Dakota: P.I.G.? What's that? Cavendish: You heard him, it's top secret. When we get back, we'll have new jobs. (squeals and hugs Dennis again) Yay for daddy! (Cut to Jefferson County Middle School. The marquee says "THERES ARE ONLY 82 DAYS IN SUMMER VACATION. AND THAT'S 104 DAYS AWAY.) (Zack walks into the library where the students will take their picture. He seems rather unhappy) Zack: Hey, guys. Milo: Hey, Zack. Melissa: (smiles) What happened to your hair? Zack: My mom. Amanda: (to Mort) Okay, just sit in front of the library backdrop there, please. Mort: Why do you even have that? We're already in a library. Amanda: Yes, but this is a slightly nicer library. Mr. Drako: I love picture day. Tell me, does this cape make me look pale? Principal Milder: (unimpressed) Sure. It's the cape. Melissa: Can't wait to see what stops you from getting your photo this year. Zack: What are you talking about? Milo: I've never been able to get a school photo. It's like I don't show up on film. (Chad overhears him while he's taking his pictures) Zack: Wait. You don't show up on film? Milo: Some sort of Murphy's Law thing. (Chad then runs to Mort) Chad: Mort! Milo doesn't show up on film. Mort: What? Chad: He must have been bitten by... Mort: A ghost! Chad: Yes! Wait, what? No! Ghosts don't have teeth. Mort: What about a shark ghost? Chad: Ugh, (face palms) he was not bitten by a shark ghost. Obviously he was bitten by a vampire. (points to Mr. Drako) Mort: We've never seen Mr. Drako bite anyone. We don't even know if he's a vampire. He may just have an accent. And weird hair. And a cape. And a coffin. And... (gasps) Milo's a vampire! Chad: (covers Mort's mouth) But nobody will believe us because we sound like idiots. Mort: You're right. We do. Chad: (covers his mouth again) And if we're going to save Milo, we're going to have to get... Mort: A bagel? Chad: No! Proof! Mort: Then bagels? Chad: If there's time. (he pushes Mort aside) (Meanwhile, it's Milo's turn to take his picture) Milo: Okay. Here goes nothing. Amanda: Milo, be careful! Easy. (Milo slowly sits on the chair) Milo: Oh, hi, same guy from last year. (The photographer freaks out and exits the library) I'm surprised he came back. Melissa: I've got this! Smile-o, Milo! (The statue falls and breaks the camera tripod and makes a hole in the ground. The camera falls down below and smashes. Milo, Zack and Melissa turn to look down before it takes a picture of them) Melissa: This is harder than I thought. Milo: Oh well. Maybe next year. Melissa: No way. We're getting that picture. Amanda, can we use any old camera? Amanda: Yes, but the photo has to match the others in the yearbook. You have to have that exact backdrop and it has to be turned in by 6:00 p.m. Chad: Stop everything. I'll take the proof. I mean picture. (checks his phone) Wait. Oh, no, my battery's dead. Mort: And mine's just a bagel! (Both screams and runs away) Zack: (takes out his phone) Okay, looks like it's up to me. (A wooden floorboard creaks and comes loose. It makes the nails holding the carpet popping out. The carpet rolls up around Zack and stops him from taking the picture) Melissa: Oh, we're gonna get that picture, Milo. (a raccoon steals the phone away from Melissa's hand) (Song: "Recurring Raccoon") He's Recurring Raccoon He's Recurring Raccoon (Recurring Raccoon winks at them. Milo, Zack, Melissa and Amanda blankly watch the raccoon run away and close the door behind him.) (At the Danville Airport) Cavendish: I must say, I'm quite chuffed to be out of the nut guarding business, but P.I.G.? What does it stand for? Dakota: Maybe it's Pig. In a. Glanket. Cavendish: (looking at his phone) Hold on here it is. Paranormal Investi… Glanket? Dakota: I needed a G. Cavendish: Anyhoo. Paranormal Investigation Group. Oh, we're going to be paranormal investigators. Dakota: Actually I think Glanket is a thing. Cavendish: It's not a thing. Dakota: It's a glow in the dark blanket. Cavendish: It's not a thing. (Milo, Melissa, and Zack are walking down the street towards a bush Chad and Mort are hiding behind.) Chad: Here they come. Ok, we just have to hit him with one of these garlic filled water balloons. If he freaks that'll be proof that he's a vampire. Mort: Yeah, ‘cause regular people don't freak when you hit them with a balloon full of stinky water. Melissa: We need to find the most reliable way to get a photo of Milo. And by my calculations, the most reliable way to get anything done is… Zack: The airport. Melissa: What? Zack: My cousin Zelda takes passport photos at the airport. She'll get the shot. She never misses. (A crow lands in a nest above Chad and Mort) Melissa: Well, guess we're going to the airport then. (The added weight creates cracks in the old tree behind Chad and Mort. The nest lands on Mort and the tree soon follows and bursts their large pile of garlic water balloons. Chad and Mort get washed down the street in a garlic scented wave of water.) Chad: Wow! Oh, it stinks. Mort: Wowowow. So garlicy. (At the airport) Zelda: Stand on the X sir. Look at the camera. Thank you. Step forward. Stand on the X ma'am. Look at the camera. Zack: My cousin's like a photo taking machine. We just put Milo in front of her camera, and snap, it's done. Zelda: Hi Zack. Zack: Hi Zelda. Zelda: Stand on the X sir. (Chad and Mort duck out from behind a create marked Zippy, with Chad holding a mirror) Chad: If he doesn't cast a reflection we'll know he's a vampire. Zelda: Look at the camera. (Zelda takes the picture of Milo with Chad standing behind him with his mirror. The flash of the camera is reflected into the eyes of some staff driving a luggage cart.) Airport Staff: Aaaah! I can't see! (They drive into a pillar that knocks down a departures sign which lands on the create labelled Zippy.) Zippy! (Zippy!) The world's fastest koala! (Zippy, the world's fastest koala, escapes the create and takes off faster than any other koala could. He runs across Zelda's desk, knocking over and destroying her camera but leaving her unphased.) He's the fastest koala in the world! (Zippy runs through Chad and Mort's mirror, shattering it. He then scares off the staff and steels their cart.) He's always running around Mort: Great, now we're going to have seven years of bad breath. (A policeman walks up to Milo, Melissa, and Zack) Policeman: Excuse me, anyone here get a look at the perp? Milo: We did. Policeman: I'm gonna need you guys to come downtown to make a witness statement. Melissa: Yes! (to Zack) You know what's an even more reliable photo op? Mugshots. (Cavendish and Dakota are lining up to board their plane to Hawaii) Dakota: Going to Hawaii Flight attendant: Pillow? Headphones? Glanket? (Dakota takes the Glanket) Dakota: Told ya. (A horn is honked and Cavendish and Dakota turn to see what it is) Zippy! (Zippy!) The world's fastest koala! (Zippy, the world's fastest koala, drives towards them at high speed in his stolen cart) Cavendish: Great Nelson's turnbuckle! (Dakota and Cavendish dive out of the way just in time) Flight Attendant: Gentlemen, board quickly before the absurdly fast koala gets back. He's always running around (Cavendish and Dakota accidentally run through the door leading the plane heading to Nepal) (At the Police Department) Policewoman: We're ready with the lineup. (Milo and Zack look closely across all four humans and a shaking koala in the lineup)' Zack: Um… Milo: Hmmm. Melissa: Seriously? It's number five. Policewoman: You sure? Melissa: Yep. That's our guy. Policeman: Aw, if you'd mentioned he was a koala, it would have saved us a lot of time. (They take Zippy's mug shot) Policeman: Thanks to you kids we've got that fuzzy little maniac off the streets. Milo: No problem, officer sir. Um. Can you do us a favour? (Melissa sets up the library backdrop in front of the mugshot wall and Milo walks up to it) Policeman: Hold still, it's a really slow f stop. (Number 4 in the lineup, an old lady with a cat, walks in front of Milo) Old Lady: I need to get a cat license. (A canine unit, barks at the cat and they both run away. The cat runs back on screen and over the camera while a progressively larger group of dogs smash through the camera and trample it as they chase the cat back and forth.) Zippy! (Zippy!) The world's fastest koala! (Zippy, the world's fastest koala, makes his escape riding on the back of Officer Rex the K9) (Dakota and Cavendish huddle under their glanket while they freeze in Nepal) Cavendish: How on Earth did we end up in the Himalayas? Brrrr. My mustache is frozen solid. (He pokes his mustache and the frozen tip breaks off. Irritated, he pokes Dakota's frozen sideburn as well and it breaks off.) Cavendish: I can't take an entire week of this. (A yeti strolls passed) Cavendish: Great bollywollocks! A yeti! Dakota: A whati? Cavendish: A large hairy creature resembling a human or bear said to live in the highest part of the Himalayas. This is it Dakota. Yeti's are paranormal. This is the perfect opportunity to show off our paranormal investigative skills. (Cavendish puts the glanket aside and takes out his old camera) Cavendish: Come. We must get a photo. Dakota: Alright, smile. (Dakota takes a picture of Cavendish) Cavendish: Not of me. (Milo, Melissa, and Zack role their backdrop in front of the camera at the DMV. Chad and Mort run around the corner, prepared to throw their garlic water balloons at Milo. But they are not prepared for the unlabeled newly mopped floor and slip. Their balloons hit a light on the ceiling, which falls and crushes the DMV's camera.) (Dakota and Cavendish run after the Yeti) I want your picture, want a photograph (The Yeti, Dakota and Cavendish all run into a cave) But I didn't know that it would take extensive labour (A camera flashes and the Yeti runs out of the cave) And now I feel a little understaffed (Dakota and Cavendish check the photo they captured. It only shows bats. They run as a horde of bats chases after them.) to try to get your likeness on a piece of paper (Milo, Zack, and Melissa show up to a formal event where a photographer is taking pictures) Doesn't have to be post, I can take one candid (Take one candid) (As he turns to Milo a crystal ball falls on his head and his camera falls into the punch) But I don't want to leave the session empty handed (Cavendish and Dakota pursue the Yeti on a snowmobile with an inbuilt camera. The Yeti jumps over a snowdrift. Cavendish and Dakota drive through it, leaving them only with a picture of their screaming faces.) (Empty handed) (Melissa photoshops Milo's face over a picture of someone else in a suit) (Just say cheese) (Milo opens the door but falls as the doorknob he was leaning on breaks off) I want to capture that look in your eyes (The doorknob ricochets around the room and smashes into the computer screen) (Say cheese) Some five by sevens and some wallet size (Tobias Trollhammer poses for some cameras) (Say cheese) I think you ought to be immortalized (As Tobias leaves, Melissa, Milo, and Zack take his place and look expectantly at the photographers) Say cheese (Zippy, the world's fastest koala, runs past the photographers. They find him more interesting all chase after him.) I want to take your picture (Dakota and Cavendish look at a map and have no idea where they are) I want to take your picture (The Yeti points out where they want to go. Dakota and Cavendish freak out.) I want to take your picture (The Yeti takes Cavendish's phone and takes a selfie) (Milo, Melissa, and Zack return to school, looking dejected) Amanda: Hurry, I'm holding the presses. (she notices how sad they look) Oh, I'm so sorry Milo. Milo: It's ok. You know, who needs a photo when they can have a day full of great memories made with the best friends in the world? Zack: …You meant us right? (Chad and Mort land at the top of the school stairs, flanking Amanda. They both have vests completely covered with pockets full of phones. They both cry out as they raise phones in both their hands and lung forward. Chad dives to Milo's left, while Mort slides down the handrail to his right, both taking pictures as they fall. Mort hits the ground but quickly recovers onto his knee and keeps taking photos. Chad lunges over Chad and blindly takes pictures. Many phones fall to the ground as they are used and discarded. Melissa, Milo, and Zack glance at each other as they watch Chad shout as he flails on the pavement and Mort throws his remaining phones away in confusion.) Milo: Chad? Uh, Chad? I… I don't think he… Chad? (Chad stops screaming and flailing and gets up showing everyone his phone) Chad: Finally, we have proof. (Chad's phone shows a nice picture of Milo in a library. Zack lowers the library backdrop from behind Milo) Amanda, Zack, Milo, and Melissa: Awwww. (Chad looks at the image he has captured) Chad: Oh. I guess we were wrong. No vampire. Delete. Amanda: Aiee! Amanda, Zack, Milo, and Melissa: Nooo! (Just before Chad presses the delete button Cavendish runs into him, knocking them both over) Cavendish: Oh, sorry about that my boy. Milo: Hi Cavendish and Dakota. Cavendish: Hello Murphy and.. your lot. Gotta run. We've vital government business to attend to. Cherry-bye. (Dakota and Cavendish leave) Amanda: Quickly! Send that photo to me before anything else happens. (Chad obediently sends the photo on the phone he has in his hand) (Cavendish and Dakota have returned to their flat and are talking to Bob Block) Cavendish: Sir, we have made an amazing discovery. We need you to see this. (Cavendish show Block his phone) Bob Block: Er, ok. I'll bite. Who's the kid? (Cavendish looks at the phone in his hand and finds an image of Milo) Cavendish: No no no! This isn't my phone. We had a picture of a Yeti. We were doing our jobs as paranormal investigators. Bob Block: Excuse me? Dakota: Paranormal Investigation Group. The acronym, we figured it out. Bob Block: Oh yes. But you will be in the janitorial division, which is also P.I.G.. Purgers of Intergalactic Garbage. Hah. Aliens are such litterbugs. But you won't be doing any actual investigation. We have competent people for that. Cavendish: Wait. There are aliens? Bob Block: Welcome aboard. (Milo's school photo is revealed to be a picture of a Yeti) Brigette: Well, maybe next year Milo. Milo: Heh. Can't say we didn't try mum. Brigette: Awww. Who needs a picture when I've got the real thing right here. (Doofenshmirtz walks by in a towel while brushing his teeth) Doofenshmirtz: The shower in the R.V. is free. It's my world and we're all living in it Category:Transcript Category:Season 2 Transcripts Category:P